My Dream UK Road Trip -- It's Not The Places You'd Expect
Get in the car, loser! We're gaying this place up!
My Dream United Kingdom Itinerary
The UK is known in the trans world as TERF (trans exclusionary radical feminist) island. Thanks to friendly faces such as J. K. Rowling desecrating the name of Dumbledore and Harry Potter with her hateful anti-transgender ramblings.
This is why it’s time to make a little return trip there. I want to piss in every bathroom, drink in every bar, and brighten every doorstep. This is a road trip starting in Scotland and ending in the ocean–spewing out rainbow from the exhaust of my hybrid-electric rental car or friendly camper van. I’ll spend a day or two in each location, likely sleeping in the vehicle. Yeah, sometimes I travel rough. It’s fun!
Here we go.
Clan MacCleod Memorial Cairn
Clan MacCleod Memorial would be considered by some to be the middle of nowhere. I don’t care. The middle of nowhere in a place like Scotland sounds fantastic. Much of Scotland has been very vocal about its support of gender identity. It’s Great Britain and their anti-trans fanaticism that has held them back from being as supportive as they want to be.
This is why I’d love to take in the air and sea in the north-westernmost tip of Scotland, to visit this isolated memorial along the sea. Sure, Clan MacCleod makes me think of the Highlander series, where immortals fought to the death. Yes, I will imagine this while I’m there, even though I know for a fact that this is a different Clan MacCleod–an actual, real-life clan. Yes, I’ll bathe with Irish Spring Soap. I want to experience a piece of Scotland that I’m sure many locals haven’t. It’s a 6km hike from the nearest town. I’ll be ready.
Edinburgh
I’ve never been to Edinburgh. All I know about it is that it’s the capital of Scotland and that they've been trying to pass a gender recognition bill in support of transgender people in Scotland. This is the kind of place I’d love to spend time in. A place of enlightenment.
Starting at Edinburgh Castle, I’d simply head east until I reached Holyrood park. There’s got to be food somewhere, so I’d stop at the first mom-and-pop place I stumble upon and wait for Planet Bar and Kitchen to open–a gay bar that sounds like a lot of fun. I don’t like to go to new cities with too much of a plan. Wake up early and walk, take the bus, and take the train. Make friends with a taxi driver. Eat local food. Find a boyfriend and lose him. I’m sure Edinburgh is a blast.
Lake District National Park
I have a friend who lives in the UK. When I ask him about his favorite place in the country, he always mentions Lake District National Park. So why not make a stop? I truly believe that when you walk into a space and spend time there, you leave a part of you. Some sort of psychic energy or electromagnetism that matches your essence as a spiritual entity. I’d like to leave mine in one of Great Britain’s most beloved and beautiful places. If a bigoted government doesn’t want me to exist, why not take a dump in their most beloved of toilets? Make footprints in their snow? Touch their trees? I want to paint that place the colors of the rainbow. The colors of the trans flag. Who knows? Maybe Uncle Oliver will spit out his Marmite and toast and decide that transgender people are lovely. Which we are.
Manchester
Manchester is one of the most conservative cities in the UK. Have you seen Too Wong Foo? Basically, I want to do that. I’ll be Chichi and recruit a Wesley Snipes and Kurt Douglas type to join me. We’d arrive in a convertible in our best clothes and teach everyone how to do drag. Everyone would be dancing in the streets, and the men would be wearing kitten heels and hot pink boas. They’d all be shouting “YAS QWEEN! WERK!” and all would be saved. Afterward, we’d all visit a bar named G-A-Y Manchester and drink a never-ending cosmos. This. Must. Happen.
Cardiff
I’m a huge Dr. Who fan. I even made a cranky DIY song in my apartment about fantasizing about being Dr. Who when I was in Covid lockdown. I’ve been told by several people that Cardiff is “shite” and “don’t bother” but I don’t care. I want to stand here, where this scene was filmed, and pretend I’m Captain Jack Harkness, an omni-sexual time agent from the future. Omni-sexual as in, anything goes–with every species of sentient life that is both able to consent and physically do things. My kind of queer. For that, I'll join Fogo's Free Dr. Who Walking Tour. Fogo accepts donations, so they'll be getting every quid I have in my pocket.
I'd also pay a visit to the Main Stage. A gay bar that also has cabaret performances, followed by the Queer Emporium. I'm sure Dr. Who be hanging out there if they were in town.
London
I went into this promising I wouldn’t visit London–but I have to. Particularly after Kat’s list. Heck, I’ve got to visit Kat! I specifically want to visit a few of the places I traveled to in my last visit. Especially the spot where I learned my wife back home was pregnant. And a straight bar(pub) called Paya & Horse Pub where the owner scream-talks at you most lovingly and changes hats every time he pours a drink. It’s mind-boggling how many hats he has!
The Victory Lap
One of the great things about the UK is that it's close to a lot of great countries. They may be separated by BREXIT, but I'm not. After I visit Kat's flat for a delivery of fried foods and spiked drinks, I'll head to the ferry for a dip into Amsterdam for some R&R after the long journey.
Sounds great! When do we leave? 😀